Unsafe Aging Parents Who Refuse To Move

The Heartbreaking Reality of Aging Parents Resisting Help

For many adult children, watching their aging parents struggle with daily living in an unsafe home is a distressing reality. The situation becomes even more challenging when those parents adamantly refuse to leave despite clear evidence that their environment is no longer safe. Consider the real case of an elderly couple, both in their late 80s. The father has already suffered a severe fall on the stairs, resulting in a head injury, a broken hip, hospitalization, and rehab. He now relies on a walker but still struggles with poor mobility. The mother, while not as severely impaired, is unsteady on her feet and depends on a cane. The home they have lived in for decades is filled with hazards, from the treacherous stairs inside and out, to a bathroom that poses a significant fall risk. Despite their adult children’s repeated pleas to move to a safer environment, such as an assisted living facility, they refuse.

The Emotional and Practical Challenges

This scenario is not uncommon. Many elderly parents cling to their independence and their long-time home, viewing any suggestion of moving as an attack on their autonomy. They associate their house with memories, comfort, and a sense of control over their lives. Even after suffering serious injuries, they may minimize the risks or believe that a simple adjustment—like a stair lift—will solve the problem. However, in cases where frailty and falls are frequent, no single home modification can ensure their safety. For example, a stair lift can help if the elders are safely able to get on and off it. Even with that, the rest of the house poses an ongoing danger for anyone unsteady on their feet. In the example here, the dad would have trouble getting himself and his walker onto a stair lift. The mom is easily confused and would likely forget how to hold onto her cane when using a stair lift.

The Risks of Staying

The risks of remaining in an unsafe home are clear. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, falls are one of the leading causes of injury and death in older adults, and a single bad fall can result in a rapid decline in health. A fractured hip, like the one suffered by the father in this case, often leads to a significant loss of mobility and independence. Studies show that more than half of elderly individuals who break a hip never regain their previous level of function. For the adult children, this creates an ongoing dilemma. On one hand, they feel a profound responsibility to protect their parents from harm. On the other, they cannot legally force their parents to move unless they are deemed mentally incapacitated. As a result, they live with constant worry, fearing the next inevitable fall or medical emergency.

Why Aging Parents Refuse to Move

There are several psychological and emotional reasons elderly parents resist moving. Fear of change is a significant factor; moving is overwhelming, especially when it means giving up the familiar surroundings of their longtime home. To an aging adult, the home where they’ve lived for years symbolizes security, even if this is not actually true. Loss of independence is another concern; they may see assisted living as losing control over their lives. Denial also plays a role; they may not recognize the extent of their physical decline or believe they can manage with minor adjustments. Financial concerns and mistrust of institutions further complicate the situation. They may worry about the cost of assisted living or believe it’s not a necessary expense. Some fear they will be neglected or mistreated in a facility, despite many high-quality options available.

What Can Adult Children Do?

Adult children cannot force their parents to move until or unless they have control over both healthcare and financial decisions for their parents. Getting that control can be very difficult, as aging parents resist, sometimes with anger and aggressive responses. This is evident at AgingParents.com, where families often seek advice. The parents typically are made the legal appointees as successor trustees and on the Durable Power of Attorney for each other. No clear alternative exists in most legal documents when the frail or impaired aging parent refuses to resign and allow the competent adult child to take over, either financial decisions, healthcare decisions, or both. Instead, two frail aging parents in failing health are supposed to continue to be legally in charge of one another.

The Hard Reality and Possible Solutions

Despite their best efforts, adult children may ultimately have to accept that their parents have the right to make unsafe choices. This leaves adult children in the painful position of waiting for a new crisis before action can be taken. However, there are steps they can take to persuade their parents. Involving a third party, such as a doctor, clergy person, geriatric care manager, or trusted family friend, can sometimes carry more weight than hearing concerns from their children. Considering in-home care is another option, though it may not eliminate all risks and is an immediate expense. Monitoring for changes and revisiting the conversation if their condition worsens may also be effective. A crisis, such as another fall, may change their perspective. If that happens, seizing the opportunity to persuade aging parents to resign from the trust or other documents at that time may be necessary.

Ultimately, the takeaway is to initiate the conversation about safety early and respectfully, emphasizing how it causes a worry burden on the adult children. If aging loved ones are competent, reviewing their trust and DPOA with them to modify the documents to remove the problematic "two medical doctors" rule can be crucial. Starting with initiating home care may be a good beginning. The key is to not give up trying to persuade changes for safety, even when the path is fraught with challenges.